Archive for December, 2008

walll ain bachya… jeenda raho…. maan sadqe… (reality check…game over)

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

death is very difficult to understand and absorb when one is young…but as one grows older… and comes across many deaths… one start to become less affected… until it is someone living in your home.

today my father lost his mother and i lost my friend. i am not sure how it is going to affect my life in future, but for now… i know… i have two free hours every day… that i can devote to reading, teaching, writing, browsing etc. etc… but i am sure i will not find a friend to spend  most enjoyable two hours every day… for ten years.

one meets grand parents in their old age.. and from start one believes they are not going to live longer and therefore when they… die… it hurts but it does not affect your daily life… unless.. your grand mother’s bedroom is next to yours…unless… you getup at 11am daily and the first person you meet is your grand mother…unless she is so caring that she asks you everyday… did you sleep well ? 

my morning used to be filled with jokes and laughter… coming from my grand mother’s incredible sense of humor and deep interest in human behavior….. in last ten years, more than three thousand days…. she never ever criticized or objected on any matter of mine… i was always right and i always looked good to her.. even when i decided to get hair trimmed to almost bald head… she was the only person to come up with a positive aspect…”look my son has a perfect round head”…. I cannot think of a single friend or relative who would talk for an hour and …. refrain from criticizing or objecting on something i do or feel…

she could only speak a strange variant of punjabi and siraiki language….i learned that and used to speak to her every day in this strange langugae… i have lost a language with her…

she used to take me to pre-partition time… i could feel atmosphere and visualize surroundings and feel emotions of that era.. through her voice. how she and her sister were married to two brothers… and how her father would never let her sing a song… even at home… 

she once said why can’t i print money from my printer… another time she asked…. why these currency notes that you have just taken out of ATM are not warm…these should be warm as these have just been printed by ATM….

i was really disturbed  through out the day… until i had a chat with my father… after funeral… he said you are feeling bad because you are thinking selfishly. I was surprised to hear this from him…he was quite calmed and composed.

he said…”look you are thinking what you have lost.. but if you think from her side… you will realize how much blessing it was for her… she was 82 and she did not fear dying… she was always afraid of becoming physically dependent on others. she always prayed to God to allow her to die… walking and talking and not get her stuck in the middle of life and death… God listened to her… and her transition from alive to dead was smooth and quick”

my day started very bad… and i have been weeping on and off even after that discussion with my father… but now i feel much less disturbed and feel that at least this was good for her…

probably this is the reason old people do not fear traveling by air… you either land safely… or you are dead… nothing in between…

I think if i ever get a chance to spend ten years again with such a wonderful lady… i will do exactly what i did in lat ten years…. this gives me some peace of mind…. i enjoyed her companionship in best possible way… and i was lucky to do that